I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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