And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
