i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
