yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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