At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
