you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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