just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
