His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
