ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Randomize
