You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
