This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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