wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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