she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
