Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
