yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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