K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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