I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
