Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I think my moral compass just broke
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
