god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
