i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
