sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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