I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
