if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
