I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
