He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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