why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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