i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The uberlube is also flammable
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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