The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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