My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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