what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize