we have pet lesbian snakes
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
