im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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