i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
