Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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