this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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