If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
