I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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