I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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