What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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