Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
