i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
