Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
