he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
