Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
