Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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