Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
