We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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