Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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