No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
