Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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