Will you blow on my dice?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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