You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
