the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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