She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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