You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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