No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
