the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
