Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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