"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
