yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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