That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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